Over the past few months, on The Empowering Process Podcast, in my client coaching sessions, and with the people I have gotten to know a common theme has come up.
It’s time to forgive and heal.
Heal from the fear, let go of the sadness, understand anger, and face shame, the seeds of discontent. These are the trauma centers of our life reflecting unresolved pain from our past, from our family, and from our society.
The deep and hidden seed, shame, is one that is illusive, we are ashamed to admit we have shame, we lie or hold back our truth in order to hide our shame, and we learn to distrust who we are because we begin to believe the lies that tell us our true nature is that of shame.
Shame is a trauma response. Trauma is an emotional shock following a stressful event be it physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. We get injured and create a wound. Many of these are created as children, but we also have those we bear from our ancestors, and we have those we create as adults. As children we are more susceptible because our minds are open and receiving. The child believes s/he is responsible for all that happens in their world, the good and the pain. We then integrate these events into our spirit.
Allow me to share one example from my life and maybe you can relate a bit.
My mother passed when I was 3, my siblings were adults out of the house, or teenagers never home anyway. My father worked evenings, so much of my life’s experiences are anchored in moments and developed from a street-kid perspective.
My father was an angry person and placed a lot of anger and blame on the world and the people around him. I would lie in my room late at night listening to him pace the kitchen and practice yelling at someone, usually one of the two sisters not yet out of the house.
His voice would rise and fall with the anger of a tidal wave. His language would cut to the core, hatefully sneering, snarling, and spitting out his words. He would escalate his anger, fully armed and fully loaded, ready for when the perpetrator walked through the door.
And when they did…
Fully unloading, like a well-planned military assault, he brought them to their knees.
Meanwhile I hid, ashamed that I could not save my sibling. Guilty that I was not able to diffuse what was coming and try to disarm my father. Fearful that I was losing love as the man I adore at times can turn into the monster that paced the kitchen.
And still, on a Saturday morning, I would crawl into his bed and watch his face as he told me the story of Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail, Peter Rabbit.
And still I loved him… until the day the attack was on me. That day I decided to no longer give this man my heart and I turned my back in anger, despising, hatful, and deeply rooted in pain.
What I did not realize was that you cannot be angry at someone unless they matter to you.
And still I loved him.
Years later, after two failed marriages, I began my journey of seeking out and healing my wounds. I became a coach, helping others heal theirs, and continue to dig deeper and deeper into understanding what healing my wounds really means.
It means choosing your true nature.
Choosing, regardless of the circumstances, to see the world around you from a superposition. That is, from a distance, from a space of love, and from an intention of grace.
Choosing your true nature means, “And still I love you.”
- Listen as fear tells you there is something you care about and may be very important to you and yet the thought of not getting there freezes you in place. And still, I love you fear as within that is the courage to move forward anyway. The wisdom to love and embrace that you are moving past safety knowing you are loved.
- When you listen to sadness you are hearing the story of loss. Loss of what once was. Lean into this feeling and understand what that loss is. And still, I love you loss as within that is discovery of something new. An understanding, a strength, and a new beginning.
- Anger speaks loudly and yet you don’t always listen. It is telling you that you have been vulnerable and got hurt. A line has been crossed. An expectation has not been met. And still, I love you anger as you examine your reaction and take ownership of your healing. You get to express what is important to you, now from space of love, moving toward peace.
- Shame tells you the story that you feel flawed, bad, or excluded. This causes you to hide, save face, reframe the story to fit someone else’s expectations. You’re not good enough, so you pretend. And still, I love you shame as you show me where the root of my pain lies. Shame shows you the weeds and the overgrown forest. You’re armed with the potential to find empathy for yourself and forgiveness for the circumstances. You hold up the opportunity to find grace within and realize this is where the healing happens.
Your true nature is joyful, curious, and loving of your Self. You forgive yourself for holding onto the pain. You give yourself permission to get the lesson and leave it behind. You open yourself up to the possibility that there is always a choice for something different. Finding your way to choosing your true nature means being brave enough to embrace all of who you are, and still loving what you find.
Healing does not happen with a weekend retreat. It does not happen with reading books, reading blogs, or listening to videos. It does not happen with a deep conversation with your coach.
It takes allowing yourself to know you are worthy of self-care and self-development. It takes having someone at your side guiding you through the barriers that could hold you back. It takes someone who has done it and is willing to go through it with you.
Let’s talk and see if I am that someone for you. Schedule our discovery meeting today.